This will be my first and only attempt to post the kind of humor that becomes circulated in tedious email messages to multiple recipients. (Except for those top ten lists I wrote for CNET's Digital Dispatch…back when they were funny).
It is an accurate transcription of the instruction booklet that came with a pair of steel Chinese massage balls that I bought from a San Francisco corner store. (And I used to be a data entry clerk…I can transcribe, buddy)
Unlike the pathetic attempt at creating an "authentic field service document" for the cleaning of IBM mouse balls, this is not a relentlessly suggestive hoax. It is, however, a mildly amusing case of poor translation into English and execrable typesetting.
That said, read on…
Syncpsis of the Healthy Ball
Baoding Iron Ball is the first one of "three treasures" in Baoding city. it has a long hisory. it is Famous throughout, China and all the world and is Baoding traditional product. The production of Baoding Iron Ball dates back to the Northern--Song Dynasty (960~1127AS). at that time it was a article for Buddhism martial-arts use. Cn Ming Dynasty (116801644AD.). a Luilding weaponry blacksmith-King lived in Guan Shi-Qiao Nam-Da Road. Baoding. directed by a drean’s god and fashioned into a hollowed one with a soundboard inside. so the two balls were fallen into "yin" and "yany"--two opposing princeples and sent out a sound like "Roaring Dragon and singing Phoenix".
The emperor was great rejoiced to hear of it and regard it as imperial court’s tribute. He recru ited the Baodig handcraftsmen to come to imperial palace . to refine specifically for imperial family. and only Supply it to imperial kinsmen and government officials to enjoy. It was praised as Palace Treas
ure at that time.
When the Baoding Iron Ball came out, it was used to improve physical conditions and mould tempera-ment, and after many setbacks it is widely known among the people . It has been chose as a opparatus of relaxing museles and joints or offense--defense as one wishes in the marial arts circles and univer sally acknowledged as a matchiess medical healthy treasure.
Baoding famous doctor Liu Shou-Zhen proved the Iron Ball on his medical book hearding its sound can refreshgowself and repose your rature. training diligently the five fingers can circuiate your blood and relax your nuscles. rest your five internal organs and prolong your life. Holding two Balls in your palm and moving them you can he and a sound of Roaring Dragon and Singing Phoenix gentle and pleasing having a artistic conception living in a fabled a bode of immortals and a feeling to go to Yan-Chi Palace. At the same time by stimulating the various acupuncture points on the hand, the ball can adjust the nerve centre benefit the brain. improve
the ) faculty of memory, relieve the fatigue. drown the worries and help to get over mental fatigue. It is also used for the provention and treatment of the
numbness and trembling of hands. the arithritis in fingers and wrists. hypertension . and aged disease, etc. So it can prolong people’s life and is a treasure necessary for the aged actor and artist.
When taking exercise, Holding two Balls in your plam, crook and stretch the five fingers in sequence to cause the balls to rotate and revolve, either clock wise of counter-clockwise you may practice your two hands in alternation and when skilled, three, four of mang balls may be put on your palm at the same time for showing a variety of figures.
Three types of the Ball are offered. they are one two. three. They are fallen into:
Modelled ou gold Ti-Plating Balls
Marble Balls with the sound
The Song Dynasty Solid Balls
The handicraft Balls engraved with a kinds of figures etc.
The purpose of our factory is to satisfy the demands of our customers. your orders on our products are welcome and the ordering process simplified The Balls can beordered through telegram and letter and consigned to your hand. Our service is always fready for your convenience.
Address of our factory
The Ancient City Healthy Ball Factory of Baoding
No.1 Hong - Qi Road. Baoding
Bebei Pravince, China.
Cable add: 0365 Baoding
OK, I've mocked those whose English is better than my Chinese enough now...get me back home.